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Viewing By Category : Jokes / Main
April 19, 2007
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
October 12, 2006
President Obasanjo from Nigeria meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." President Obasanjo frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
June 27, 2006
Someone sent this to me and it's pretty funny. ************************************************** Below was an encounter with a rich friend during a visit to his house sometime Question: "What would you like to have ...Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
January 1, 2006
Happy new year to everyone out there. May the good Lord make 2006 a year of blessings and prosperity. Amen
But you got to play your part: BE GOOD TO EVERYONE!
December 12, 2005
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it.
December 5, 2005
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
December 4, 2005
25 years ago......
December 1, 2005
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "What is the critera that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub."
November 30, 2005
As Pope John Paul II was dying; he sent for Tafa Balogun and Dipereye to come to the Vatican.
November 25, 2005
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
Divorcing After 45 Years An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
November 19, 2005
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
November 14, 2005
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
October 12, 2005
On their wedding night, the bride told her husband: "Honey, am a virgin and I don't know anything about sex,
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
October 7, 2005
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.Then she noticed a young man smiling at her, presuming he was laughing at her on account of her condition. She changed her seatbut he only seemed more amused.
October 4, 2005
This is what some of the great men have thought about marriage and Women..... Some when trying to be humorous...... What a shame.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. --David Bissonette
A Jamiacan Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to the husband and says, "what do you have to say in the matter?" The rastaman sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. Your Honor, If I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it...'I and I' or the machine's?"
October 2, 2005
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
October 1, 2005
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of calling mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said "But this is for a dog." He said "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid."
September 29, 2005
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
September 23, 2005
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wan you to lissin to me. I wan you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
September 19, 2005
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy "at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed "he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start ". The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email. " "I'm sorry ", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job. "
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."
September 16, 2005
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Boniface) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
September 13, 2005
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover: "Quick, jump out the window; my husband's home early!!!"
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